I can't graduate with my class.
I have to move.
I'm a fucking dumbass and I'm a failure.
I can't do anything.
I can't even get into a community college.

I feel like all of the progress that I've made in the past 4 years is just gone. Like none of it ever happened.
I feel like I'm sitting next to that water, with the first rock that started it all.
I should have crashed my car. I should have done it. I don't know why I'm trying.
I just feel so small. So insignificant. No one needs me, and I am unwanted.

I'm a bitch.
I'm a bitch because I'm honest. I tell people how I feel, and what needs to be said even if it's not the easiest thing to say. Sometimes it's the hardest thing to say and I say it anyway because they need to hear it.
I only see the bad in things, and how things actually are. It's hard for me to see the positives in things.
But despite my extremely large character flaws, I still have some close friends.
I do my best for them. I listen to them no matter how hard it is sometimes, and I give the best advice that I can. I do things for people that no one would ever do for me, and it just gets hard because I give and I give and I give and I never get anything back. I never hear a "You're an amazing person and friend and I'm lucky to have you in my life". I never hear a "Thank you for everything you do for me." and that's all I want.
I just want someone to tell me that they appreciate me. I want someone to feel lucky that they have me in their life.
I just want a hug. Someone to hold my hand. Or tell me these things. Not even in a romantic way per say.... just as a friend. Someone that I can rely on, and don't feel like they hate me.
I'm lonely and I just need a friend.

I am so ridiculously stressed out right now. It's almost the end of the school year, and because I've been sick so much, I am struggling immensely to catch up. I need to get my grades up before the end of the year so that I can have a GPA of at least 2.5 to get into PSEO. 

I don't even really want to go PSEO. I don't want to move. I want to graduate with my class and I want a senior year. I feel like there are a few deserved times in someone's life, senior year being one of them. But every time I bring it up with my mom she says, "It's a free year of college. You're going."  

I just feel like crying because even though I have so much stuff that I have to catch up on, I can't work up the motivation to do any of it. I literally can not bring myself to start working and it sucks because the longer I put this stuff off and the longer I don't do my homework, the more stressed out I am. I feel like I'd want to do college more if my mom wasn't pressuring me into it.

On top of that I have to get all of my homework for next week because I'm getting my tonsils out and do all of that. 

I also have to find a new car because I'm not going to live in Duluth with a manual. Hills suck with a stick. 

I have to pack for the move. 

I'm not ready for all of this.

I just want to be a kid again.

My Thoughts Are Stars I Cannot Fathom Into Constellations.

"This is one corner of the country on one continent on one planet that's a corner of a galaxy that's a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for one single millisecond. And there is so much to see, Amy. Because it goes so fast." -11th Doctor.

I am insignificant.

We're born. We are taught to walk and speak the language of our country. We grow from a jellybean into lanky, awkward adolescence. At this stage, we are constantly being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it and then thrusted into the 'real world' to find our own place, what career would best suit the government, and then living out the rest of our lives in a job we don't like, stuck with a spouse that we don't like, and forcing their offspring into the exact same thing. We learn things in school like how to solve a parabola and what the atomic mass of Yttrium is. But we are not told about our dying world. We are not told that we, as humans, are completely demolishing this beautiful planet of Earth. Pollution, fracking, war, destruction of our precious resources. Then there's society, which is an absolute clusterfuck of sexism and degradation which causes men and women alike to hate everything about themselves from our hair to stretch marks to, god forbid, looking hideous coming back from the gym. What kind of a world do we live in where humans get away with rape, murder, theft and complete and utter lack of respect for any other human being? I don't know if this world can be saved. This is a world that I, a 17-year-old, can only see going down. I see myself caught between seeing the beauty of the world and people in it, such as the worlds inside of books and music, binge watching shows and spending hour after the hour on the internet or wanting to explore everything there is to explore in this tiny part of the galaxy.
I increasingly find myself thinking the same thing, "I am literally a speck, not even that, in this enormous universe, and I have the audacity to think that I matter?"